I feel guilty............

I do, not for anything i have done recently, but for whats coming.

Am i doing the right thing by putting the wife and family through all of this.  Unlike them i have read and researched, and i know what is ahead, and its not a good thing at all. 
Once it starts there is no turning back.. things will go down hill and stay that way until i am lucky enough for a transplant or croak.

But am i doing right by sticking by our family and putting them through all of this that is to come?
The last thing i want to do is hurt the ones that i love, but as we all know that have been around this beast its going to happen.

I just wonder if i am doing the right thing.  I cant see myself being anywhere else, but hurting them is the last thing i want to do, and i know its going to.
Between the HE and all the worry and stress, hospital trips, ER trips... so much is ahead that is not right at all.. am i doing whats right by putting them through all of this?

As i slowly go down hill, it becomes more and more pressing to me to know that i am doing whats right, i dont want to hurt them.

Ok im off for now...
just rambelings that are bouncing around in my head.

Being Sick...

many reading have been sick before, but in a few days to a week, you feel better and are back to normal life.

With liver disease, not only are you not going to feel better in a few days, but you may never be who you once were again.  It is a difficult aspect to this to accept.

Here let me explain.....  What did you do today? 
Woke up, maybe hopped out of bed, got in the shower, enjoyed a nice long warm shower/bath, got out and fixed some food to eat, got something to drink, contemplated the day you had ahead... got dressed and headed off to work for the day.
While at work they as usual took advantage of you... "Hey when you are done with that can you"..   like you have enough time or energy to finish what you are doing, let alone do another project on the side. But some how you manage to get both done because that's the  type of person you are, finally work is over, and you are glad.  
Now work is over, and you have the evening ahead of you. hmm what to do, hiking, jogging, maybe go out for a movie, or how about dinner out, why not, you deserve it, you worked hard.. or hang out with friends and enjoy the evening.  Then home to relax and watch a little tv before bed and doing it all over again. or if you have kids, you are taking care of them and enjoying kids being kids..  well most the time anyway lol.

Every day for the past year and then some, i wake up and am reminded of the situation i am in, as my eyes open pain is screaming in my head because by the time i wake up, all of my pain med's have worn off, so i try to crawl off the bed and make my way to the kitchen to get a drink, then off to the couch... sadly basically my new home.  I sit down and take my pain pill and hope it kicks in soon, to distract myself i grab my laptop and read up on whats going on in the world, see what friends are doing on that evil FB. and wait... finally after a hour or so my pain meds kick in and i am not hurting as bad.
Work is not a option for me, so i get to spend my time wishing i was able to work.  Ya know years ago i always though it would be nice to be retired.... ammmm this is not what i had in mind...

Time for supper... hmmm ok, so whats on the menu.. has to be something very low in salt, i try to keep my daily salt intake to500mg a day or lower..  Now for those of you who have never actually payed attention to salt.. take what you are having for supper and read all the labels, look for sodium quantities..
just for fun, do this for a few days, you will be amazed at how many things have high salt content , many things that you would not expect.      Why no salt you ask.. salt causes the body to retain water, with my condition, i already retain water as it is, any extra will  build up and cause major stomach pain, and if it gets bad enough, i get to go to the doc and have them stick a tube in me and drain it.... So far i have not had to have this done, and i dont want to if i can avoid it, so i pay close attention to what i eat and keep the salt as low as possible.
On any given day its a gamble if food will even stay down.. i get spells some times where i can go a week where everything i eat comes back up, then i get a break for a while and do ok. Food is not my friend.

Relaxing at home and enjoying the kids is a spectators sport any more.. use to be i was right there in the middle of it all, it was nothing for me to walk through the house and grab a kid in each arm and rough house with them, and have a ball..  now i cant. 

Now i have the future to think about.. the things that might happen, such as surgery where i am left with a 12-18" scar and someones Else's liver inside me, which is a odd concept when you really think about it.
The Battle with HE, where it can do things from make you hurt the ones you love and care about, to totally changing your life and making things such as common conversations nearly impossible.

I stand the chance to loose me in this battle, i may win the battle, but what or who will i be when its all over..  how much of 'me' will still be there... what parts of 'me' will survive this...

and there is always the chance that things go wrong, and i just don't survive this.. as much as i don't like this , it is a very real possibility that i can not ignore.  I wish i had gotten live insurance before all of this happened, so at least if things go wrong, i would know that my family was better off, and at least they would not have to worry about money issues while dealing with everything else.   But that didn't happen, now i have to think about the cold reality that not only is there a chance they will have to deal with me not being around if things go bad, but will also have to deal with being broke and figure out how to pay bills and mortgage.  i wish there was something i could do to change this, so at least money would not be a stress for them.  

How will things play out..   who knows... right now its all a guessing game..  one day at a time and see what happens...

So all this rambling, what i really want to say is... Appreciate what you have, even though it may not be what you want at the moment... stop and actually take a few min. and reflect. Because in life things can change quickly. Enjoy what you do have. 

The Fear of HE

 hepatic encephalopathy or HE is a condition that occurs when a damaged liver cannot remove the toxins that a healthy liver normally would. These toxins then pass into the blood and travel through the system until they reach the brain. They can then damage the brain and cause HE. People with liver damage, which is also known as cirrhosis, are most likely to get HE
 Source:http://www.xifaxan550.com/about-hepatic-encephalopathy/index.aspx?gclid=CMKO-Zuv0rICFURxQgodFQYA4w



 For those who would like to see a short trailer of a new film coming out on HE please go to
https://www.hesback.com/   and cluck "view Trailer".

Not everyone that has liver issues with or without cerossis end up having the effects of HE,
but it is a very real and serious part of the journey.

This above all the other issues  with this condition bothers me the most.   The effects dont always
stop after the transpant. In some cases once the damage is done,  its perminante.

hmmm ok i am going to have to come back to this.. i thought i was ready to write about this, but not yet... it is to much for me right now. Just watching the trailer had me crying like a baby.  Facing the reality that  this may be my future, and near future not distant future scares the crap out of me.

ok, i will try to do this page a little at a time so check back.. It is going to take me a while.

Feel free to read through the links.


Sorry, not much update today,  might later,   just not in the mood to type so far today, to much to worry and think about.  This is one of those days where everything is just overwhelming.


one of those days i guess

He is not something you get, and then in a few days get over.  HE changes you.  Some cases the people are never who they were.  The thought of liviing life being someone else scares the crap out of me.
Not to mention what it dose to the ones who you are closest to.
   This is a huge fear for me.  I hope i am one of the lucky ones and avoid it for the most part.

Called the doc today..

So yesterday got my pain meds,  But it was the wrong amount. So after being on the phone and on hold for a while, they checked and what a suprise..   *lol*.. 
 At least i wont have to go a week without pain meds.. I have to tell ya, that sucked big time.
But i have only had 2 pain pills today and i am feeling 100% better than what i was 2 days ago.
Moving around with no problem..  i am a little stiff, and soar but thats expected.  Even when i was taking the full dosage of 8mg of Morphine a day, I was still hurting.   But nothing like without it..

The pain is on the right side just below the rib cage and all the way down to the pelvic bone, then wraps around to just about the spine.    I do have a little pain that comes and goes on the left side.  But from talking to others in my situation, that is not unusual.  The liver is on the right side, and some times it kicks the kidney up and causes it to hurt.  As long as its once in a while i am not to worried.

Last night i slept SSSsoooooooo good. I cant describe how that felt, after over a week with maby 8 hours sleep the whole time,  to go to bed at 9pm last night and pass out and sleep until 3am this morning was so nice.... and i even went back to bed after  school started and napped for a couple of more hours.

Jordi is at home today, she said she threw up once this morning when she was gettting dressed, and her tummy and throat hurt.  So decided to keep her home just to be safe.    The sad part is its just her and i at home.. So hopefully i wont end up catching what she has.   I am not sure how my body would handle that on top of what i already have.

I have supper fixed, and ready,  Delilah is off with alec he had a dentist apointment.  After that its a lazy evening.

Hope everyone is doing good that is reading this.
More later.

My first wife...

This is a long story, and a little hard to post.

I was young, just turned 20, had a job, and was renting a place, things were good. Then i met her...
there just was something about her that caught my eye, not sure exactly what it was.
(I have one photo left but not posting it, it has my ex and my ex best friend and his girl friend at the time in it.)


As time progressed, we started dating, things went well, she was talking about moving in with me, but that never happened.   But we got closer and closer, and finally after a year or so i knew it was time, so i proposed to her.  She said Yes.

So we started planning a wedding, and man did time fly, it didnt take long at all and it was time to get married.  Which was ok with me because i knew it was the person i was going to be with for the rest of my life... (ya notice how that worked out.....).

We rented a small house in Joplin Mo. had the normal struggles new couples do, but the struggles didnt bother me, i found someone to be with forever.   or so i thought.

Eventually we moved to a house in Webb City mo.  There we met 2 boys, just turning of age, so we kind of took them under our wing and helped them out when we could.  We became like a small family, they had their apartment below us, and we had ours. 

The years went by and all of us got closer, but the house we were living in was due for major construction, so we had to find some place else to live,   My wife and i bought a trailer for the time being, and rented a space in a park just north of town.   The boys moved right along with us, and rented a trailer directly across from us almost.     Their dad and his step mom had a trailer in the same park.  I am not a fan of trailer's but they do work some times.   

 Jeff (the older of the boys) were into music. I knew a little on guitar so i taught him what i knew, and he walked off and left me sitting in the dust. *lol*   Within a year or two, he was darn good.  I was not that dedicated, i liked to play a bit, but nothing to serious. but we had sat. Jam sessions, and taught each other things.

Jeff came home one day and found a place that had rent to own spots... we checked them out, there were 3 trailers on 5 acres of land, not a bad price for it all, so my wife and i talked it over and  the boys decided together, and we each ended up doing the ppw to get one.   They were right next to each other, out of town, 10 acres of land between us... we had it made... could be as loud as we wanted and no one cared. Life was great.

Then jeffs brother moved out and his girl friend moved in with him. Which was better, gals could have their time, we could have ours.

Our trailer was a big 3 bedroom, so we took the master bedroom and turned it into a music room.  By the time everything was said and done, we had all you would need for a full recording studio, including instruments. Which between us, someone could play every one of them.
I played , lead, rhythm and bass guitar, as well as drums (thanks to jeff teaching me.  Although gave my drum set to a friend when i moved to montana.)  Lisa, my ex could play Piano,  i could pick at it, but not seriously play it.   We had what every growing kid wanted... and we had a blast on weekends...

Eventually Jeff started going to a church in town.    The wife and i were going to one, but it just didnt work out.   But the church jeff was going to had live music every sunday, so he was playing lead guitar, they had a drummer, but they needed a piano player and a bass player. So naturally the wife and i jumped in and helped.  
We had to learn 6 diffrent songs every week, it was quite  the work out, normally we would spend all day sat. learning them, then play them sunday am.

Jeff and i got close over the years, i treated him like a brother.    Jeff and my wife, i would of died for at the drop of a hat. Without question.   We were loyal to each other...............  or so i thought.

So one day we go to church, and play our newly learned songs, and then sit down for the sermon, the preacher there is talking about divorce, and what and why and what not, i really didnt pay a lot of attention to it...   although i should have....

That night i had to go to work,  i was working from 3pm to 12am, second shift, it was not a bad job, or schedule.    So i go to work...  wow, never told this to anyone before, so its kind of hard to type out......
Do my regular schedule and come home,  as i get close to the house i notice the car we just bought is gone. Which i thought was unusual, but didnt think anything of it,  so i go in the house,  everything seems ok in the living room, the new furniture and tv we just bought the week before was there... nothing unusual, then i spot a note sitting on the kitchen counter.  So i'm thinking, went out with a friend be back late... yada yada..... so i get the note and open it, and before i knew it i was sitting in the floor just staring at it.    Nope no friend,  Jeff and Lisa decided they were leaving together, in our car, with  the trunk full of the stuff from the house (i noticed things later, not that i cared at that point.)

   I was devastated.  This is the person i was meant to spend my whole life with, to grow old with, to have my "jim and Grace" and that was before i knew Jim and Grace.. but i knew then that was what i wanted.
  Days passed and no word,    I never did get a explanation as to why, or what caused it... years later i got divorce ppw in the mail, when i was living in montana.... sadly i just could not bring my self to sighn it...  i just coundt admit it was over...

jeff's brother ended up in prision, for shooting some guy in the leg.. he was the wild one... ooohh the stories i could tell.. we use to have fun when we were younger..  but you grow up and things change, and people break your heart...  such is life i guess..

Jeff always asked me what our wedding song was, i would never tell him, not because i didnt remember, but because it was personal to me, i didnt share everything with everyone... Never have, this blog is the most i have shared in the past 30 years.
  Our wedding song was "I'm going to love you forever."

 Silly me actually believed it... how stupid was I?

What they did changed me, left a hole..still there today,  someone you trust with your life, and would give yours for them in a second, and they do something like this.
Sure things were not always great with us, but over all, i dont think it was to bad.

I know a friend that has her email, and before long i am going to have to write her a letter.. I have tryed several times, but just cant bring my self to complete it.. To much pain and bad memories.
But just in case things go south, i need to for my piece of mind.

well, thats that story for today... i may add more to this later, or may not..  Thanks for reading.

New site Update coming soon

In a week or so , when i get money again. I am going to buy the domain name lifebecomesme.com so it will be much easier for everyone to find and follow my blog.
Nothing else will change,  other than the name, i think it would be much easier for people to remember and find if they wanted to check in , or follow my post. Although i am not sure most of them are worth reading, i'm not much of a writer. But what the heck, i'll document what i can , and mabye others can follow my journey when they find their self in my situation.
Hopefully some day this blog will help someone who is facing the issues we are.

my outlook on life

As much as i can, this is what i am trying for in life since my diagnosis.  There are many days i just cant, but on those days i can........

Enjoy

Says it all for us in the waiting stage for a transplant.!   Because for us, its not " like" , we actually are, and we fully understand what this song means..

I send this out to all my liver friends. :) Hope you Enjoy it.

Family.......

To me family is the most important thing, and not who you are related to , because many times in life, others become part of our families.  I have a very large extended family. Some i talk to a lot, some i have not talked to in years, but i guarantee if i called them right now and needed some help they would do everything the could, thats what family is. A tight bond that no mater how many miles apart you are or how long it has been you are there for each other when you need to be.

Right now, my family i think is the best in the world *lol*..  i'm a little bias though.  my wife and 2 kids are everything i could ask for. So i am going to put some pics up of them. :) 

So without further delay. :) I present to you my family.

Although i think i look like a dork in this photo.. but hey. :)

We have Jordi in the front, our daughter who is 10, Alec on the left who is 13, My lovely wife Delilah in the middle and me in the back corner.

Here are the kids playing at the river just a few miles down the road.  They had a ball.  We went to fish, but our worms were bad, so instead they got to play in the water for a few hours.  They had fun, thats what counts.

Here are the kids at the fair on one of the rides.

Here is jordi's 10th bday. :)

ok, So those are some pictures of my support system, there are a few others that are close that are also part, but i dont have pictures of them.  we should change that.
Without these guys, i would be in trouble.. each one helps in a different way..  I love them for it, and much more.  

ok, wearing out, going to go for now, will type more later.

The Owies are back

Wow what a LONG night!  I was in and out of bed more than the Easter bunny trying to hide eggs.
I would try to lay down, but was just hurting to much to stay there very long, even tyred sleeping some what sitting up on the couch, wasnt happening.   I was up until around 5:30am.  On and off line, watching a movie on youtube to distract my mind from the pain, at one point i had all the lights off, and a movie playing with my headsets plugged in and on my head and the laptop mostly closed.  Even the light was bugging me i was so tired..

Finally around 6am i tried to go back to bed, i guess i was so exhausted that i finally passed out. I over did it on Tylenol, i know i should but i had to have something, although i didn't go to far over, but the limit the doc set just was not doing it. A body can only endure so much pain at one time.

I slept until around 2pm , felt good for a change to get a few hours sleep. But it didn't help with the pain. It was knocking on my forehead as soon as i woke up... my liver was screaming HEY STUPID i'm still here and still giving you grief.    One roll on the bed and i remembered quickly why i felt so bad.

But tried to keep things positive.   Got up, my wife was off work today, had her scheduled switched, which works out better, because now we can go to church on Sunday am instead of Sunday pm.   But she had made Ham and beans and corn bread, with Jordi's help.

Jordi was wound tighter than a 8 day clock... weird expression wonder where that comes from... but she was all giggly and cutting up, put a smile on my face even though i was in pain.

Alec is getting excited to go hunting this hunting season, i just hope i am up to it and able to get out there, would love to see him get his first deer and elk.  And it would be nice to have the freezer full.

I have my tags already we still have to get his, but sadly mine may go wasted this year. When i bought them 6 months ago, i was feeling good, sure i had my bad days, but over all, i could handle a short hunting trip...  now days, i dont know... not sure if im going to be able to get out there or  not.  Time shall tell.

Hopefully i will feel a lot better tomorrow when i get my pain meds refilled,  man who knew a day could be so far away.... its going to be another long night tonight, so there may be more updates here.

well, off for now to  enjoy the family. :)  Hope everyone has a great day.

Man in the Mirror

Getting out of the shower, and looking up, i am struck with this image.. and i am not quite sure
who it is.  I dont like what i see, but its a sad reality of what this will do to a person.
I use to be in great shape, not long ago.  Just over a year ago, i would walk through the living room,
grab one of the kids in each arm and pick them up and carry them around the house without thinking twice.
Now mind you, Jordi was around 50 pounds then, and alec was close to 100 pounds.
I was pushing 190, all muscle, very little fat, my arms were decent sized, so was my chest...

Now days i get out of the shower and look in the mirror and wonder who the heck that is. I weighed myself tonight. I have lost weight since i went to the doc's last, so that means i am going to have to put the 10 pounds of muscle on that he wanted plus what i lost.  I am down to 146lbs.  Sad.. I cant say i like what i see
but i dont have a lot of option. My body is doing what it wants.

I think for me, this is the worst part of the disease.  I was always in decent shape, my last job before driving truck was very physical and demanding, and i  liked it, i got paid to work out.  Sure office jobs are nice, but they dont keep you fit and in shape. I did it for over 5 years, but i did notice towards the end of the job i was getting slower and weaker, but had no clue as to why.  I chalked it up to age.  Surprise.. not age. :(

Now days, i do good to do simple things around the house. Which is saddening to me. 
It is something i am going to have to learn to deal with.

Ok, thats it for now, i'm up not sleeping again.. im so tired its not even funny, but hurt to much to pass out..
hopefully i can in a little bit.

Remember Me ....

One of the greatest people you could of ever known was J.C.  He was not a fan of his name and would not let anyone call him by his full name, only JC.   he worked at the same place we did, and when i moved to missoula, he lived in the apartment complex that we were renting, right across and below us for a while until lil man came along then we had to get a bigger apartment, so we were a little further away, but not that far.
 JC was the kind of guy that could make you smile, and make you feel like family without even trying.
we got close to him over the years and when lil man came along, it became grandpa JC.  he loved little man and always had a ball playing and interacting with him.

about the time lil man came along, JC found out he had cancer, so he was fighting that and doing good for a while.   We would visit him often, and he would always go out and dust his truck off every day wearing this silly straw cowboy hat.  Not sure why he dusted his truck every day, but he enjoyed it, thats what counts.
When we found out he was becoming ill his one fear was that we would forget about him. 
Until his last day, he kept telling us, not to forget him.   Like we ever could. But we tried to assure him that there would be no way he would ever be forgotten, by me, or lil man.   as lil man grew older he would know about his grandpa JC and would think of him.

So i did something to help assure him that he would not ever be forgotten.  I went and got a tattoo of his goofy hat on the back of my left shoulder.  He was speechless when i showed him.

he will never be forgotten. 

He called one day, saying he was having chest pains, he was on a high dose of morphine and other drugs, so me being me i didnt risk anything, before he hung up, i was at his door ready to load him in the car, and away we went.. i was doing 80 through town, would have called a ambulance but the hospital was only about a mile away and i knew i could get him there faster. *LOL* he never let me live that down.. crazy fool running red lights and passing people in the turn lane and speeding..  turns out it was a medication giving him problems and nothing serious, but one never knows.

 As time went on, he really enjoyed the company of little man.  JC was fascinated with Gorilla's, so he bought one just for Jonathan,  He still has it in great shape, mom makes sure of that, so when he gets older he will have something that grandpa jc gave him.

we lost JC a few weeks later, he just gave up and stopped eating, he talked to us and told us he was going to do this, the pain was getting to be to much.  His family moved him into a nursing home for the last week or two, and we had a heck of a time finding him, but we did, it was a bitter sweet visit. But he was alert and knew who we were, but you could tell, it was coming to the end.
On our way home, it was hot, the windows were open, we hit a red light close to home, and a bird feather fell in the window and landed on the center of the dash.  Which was unusual, naturally the thought was of JC, but got home and opened the door, and some how sitting in the middle of the living room floor was another bird feather. Now how that one got there i have no clue.  All we can say is JC was giving one to each of us.

That evening we lost JC,  and i do everything i can to help him now, i make sure he is never forgotten by his friends, family and others that never even knew him.  So do a old man a favor and think of him once in a while, if he is up there looking down it will put a smile on his face.

P.S. His goofy hat sits in my living room, and will until things are not good for me, and then it will go to jonathan.

Rest in peace JC, Gone but never EVER forgotten!.

His memorial on the Veterans Wall In Hamilton Montana.  I have visited this many times, its hard to see without shedding a tear.   "Remember Me"  Always.   Love you Grandpa

Jim and Grace ......

On my last post about little man, you see a picture of a old lady holding him.. That old lady was Grace, She was married to a man named Jim.  Years ago i worked with Meals on wheels and delivered food to the elderly for a small town i lived in.  I fell in love with Jim and grace, they were everything i wanted out of life, they had it all.   No they were not rich, they built their house board by board, they raised 3 kids, had lots of grand  kids,  they had everything i ever wanted out of life, the main thing they had i use to smile so much when i would be around them,  you would hear one say "Hey, Remember that time...".  :) :) :)  To me , that is what life is about, that is what marriage is about, to have someone you know and trust and love for that long to be able to sit around in your old age and talk about things of the past.
 Jim died a few years ago, grace was not long behind, but at 100 and 98 years old, it was expected, they were not afraid of death, but even at their age, they enjoyed life and everything they got to experience.

That is what i want out of life!!     I see some of you that have that.  I am jealous, because that is all i have ever wanted out of life, just seems that the 2 previous that i have chosen had other plans.  Sure things are not always good in a relationship, and some times they are down right bad, but if you stick together long enough time has a way of taking the bad and leaving the good. 

I dont know if i will get to live to have what they had, to be honest its not looking that way, fighting everyone at every corner to get things done... But i hope if i do, that this time, i did it right and i have that loving partner to grow old with...

The stories they use to tell were great, i loved sitting and visiting with them.  I use to make sure they were the last on my list, so i could spend time with them.  And i would drop by on weekends to check up.  Grace knew all about little man, although i wasnt sure i was going to tell, but she had a way of dragging things out of ya.

Every time i stopped in, jim would ask if i brought them T-Bone's.  He always liked to joke, well one day i surprised them.  I was off work on my other job, and bought 2 t-bones, potato's and corn on the cob and fired up the bbq, and fixed it for them.  His face was priceless when i came in and sat their food down on the table. 
What few times i have  been back to that part of the state, i have driven down the highway, and up  the dirt road to their house.   I know its not their house any more, it was sold by their family  who all live in other parts of the country,  but i would pull up and stop, and look at the house for a while and smile.

I do miss those two, they really became family.   Everyone should be as lucky as they were to get to experience a lifetime of commitment.

RIP Jim and Grace, gone but never forgotten.

Today was better in some ways..

I finally got some sleep today, but had to wake up in the middle of it and get the kids from their dad's, it was all i could do to get my butt out of bed and drive over there.   But i made it.
Got home, and layed back down and passed out.  Felt guilty when i got back up, because it was already 5pm ,  wife was home from work and kids were munching on snacks, so i fixed some food for them, nothing fancy, sausage and eggs.  They liked it.. was to spicy for me to eat, but what little i did try was good.

I hate not having the energy to do the little things i normally do.  On most days i fix supper and make sure the kids get lunch on time, although working on them doing that on their own.   Tonight, as simple as supper was, it was a challenge for me to do. I felt exhausted when it was cooked.

Tonight the pain has let up a little, lets hope this trend keeps up, and it gets easier each day until monday.

I sit here some times, alone thinking of what to type, hoping all my ramblings will mean something to someone one of these days,  ..   .. Have you ever had the problem of your eyes sweating for no apparent reason.. not sure what the deal is lately but i have had times where i get so emotional, which is defiantly not me, i'm not that type of person. I was raised by a Marine, we kick ass and take names and dont show emotions...   well, thats not working out to well any more.   I hide it, im the only one that is around.  I dont want to let the others in my life think this stuff is really getting to me and upset them more. But there are times when it just takes me over.  It is probably normal, although not for me. So im adjusting.

I wish i was better at expressing my self, so i could tell the ones around me how much they mean to me and how lucky i am to have them in my life.  I had different plans for our futures when we got married, a much better life, all the fun things of life.  I was going to finally make it in this world, i had the game plan, and things were coming into place, and then this comes up.

When we got married, just under a year ago, we knew the road ahead was going to be bumpy, but at that stage, we  didnt know just how bumpy it really was.  Knowing what i do know, i feel guilty, i feel like i have cheated her in some way, as well as the kids.  I hope she had a better idea of what was ahead than i did.  I could not blame her if she ever decided she wanted out of this mess. Its a lot to take on, its a lot to accept, she is one strong person.

I know with me hurting and being down lately that it has had a effect on me, im not happy go lucky, although most will tell you i never have been. *lol*  i tell people i am a realist, i dont blow smoke into situations and i dont devalue them i look for the realistic outcome of any situation.    I think in this situation i have found someone finally that takes the wedding vows as serious as i do, and that will be there no mater what.  And if i am lucky enough to survive this, will be the future i want.



More on the next post

Did i mention OOOWWWWWIIIIIIEEEEE

So, we called the pharmacy, to fax my ppw to my doc, so they can write me a new script
for my hydramorphone, (pain meds).   I was getting low, had a few days left on friday, figured
would pick it up monday and things would be great...



WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!

She was on vacation ... So they did not get the fax until yesterday...and wont have the script until today..
or at least i hope so, because last night i ran out.

Needless to say, its going to be one LONG and Painful day!.
Here is to hoping i can sleep all day...

but my luck, wont happen..


Not only did it not happen... i am outa luck for pain pills until monday.
I am not liking this, so far i have been up all night hurting. to much pain to sleep.
Im not sure how this is going to play out. 
But so far , its not a good thing, and no fun at all.

P.S. I have a weird smell to me.. cant place it.. well i can place it, but i am going to say thats not it
because i dont like the aspects of that.  I'll take a hot bath in a hour or so and see if that helps with pain
and gets rid for that smell for a while anyway.  its not a comforting thing,thats for sure.

A Suprising Letter....

Today i got a email from the ex,   which caught me off surprise.

the ex is a long story.  but i will try to short version it.
we were together for about 14 years, not married until the last few years. But we were committed to each other and lived as one.  I got to know her family, and friends. Things were not great, but over all they were ok. Typical relationship. Good days, bad days, but never anything to bad. Although knowing what i do know and looking back, i was having issues with HE the whole time, but never knew it. Mood swings, grumpy at times.  But over all, things were ok in general,   We had lived in a few places, great falls, Drummond, and in the end Missoula.

 When we were living in drummond it was rough, trying to find work that was decent, we ended up working at walmart.  Booo Hisss.  lol .   But it was over night work, and decent pay. driving back and forth was costing a ton, but i enjoyed not living in a big town.  She on the other hand, had a itch  to want to move to a big town and hang out and party, and all that stuff. Just wasnt my thing. So she decided she needed some space and wanted to move to missoula and get her own apartment for a few months.  Naturally i did not like the idea of this at all, and it wasnt taken well.  I mean that is something you figure out at the beginning of a relationship, not after 10 years or so.  But it happened anyway. I still considered us together, i am a weirdo that way, when i make a commitment, i mean it. Its not just words or things you say.

Well about a month after she had moved (i was still living in drummond) She told me that she was pregnant. Needless to say, i did not take this well. I was one mad little puppy. Because i knew for a fact that i didnt do it.  But after a couple of months i came to terms with it, and accepted it as fact, not much you can do to change it. And decided to get past it.  The  waste of life that she decided to have sex with was a worthless piece of crap, that knew, and did not do a thing to help her out. So i stepped up, and went to all the dr visits, meetings all the crud you have to do while having a lil one. We ended up moving in together in missoula and continue life as a family.  Sure things were still rocky between us, but all things shall pass in time. Just some things take more time than others.  And someone you think you are going to spend the rest of your life with having sex with someone else, ya, ammm that takes a while to get over. Never mind that now you have to deal with his butt the rest of your life because now there is a baby involved.
But i decided before lil man was born, we should get married, so he had a chance of a normal life. even if things were not normal yet, kids have enough problems in today's time. Coming from a broken family is not something that helps.  So we got married.  Nothing fancy, went to the court house. But it was legal.

  Then came the day, i dont think there could have been a prouder dad in the world.  it was time, i loaded everything up, (had things pre packed just in case) and off to the hospital we went.
she was in labor for the first day, with no luck. They even gave her meds to help induce labor, but it was not working. so they gave her stuff to help her sleep, and tryed it again the next day.   The next day, we had the same problems, he just wasnt coming out.  Our doc was a great doc. She is wonderful. So our doc waited as long as she could and decided that its time to do a c section.  So we got gowned up, and ready to go in. they took her in first and got her set up, then took me in. it was not long and from behind the little curtian emerged little man.
 then i had to leave the room so they could close the incision, and do what they needed to do. They took lil ma to the prenatal area, and checked him out.  I took off all my scrubs and booties and stuff, and started to give them to a nurse, then i stoped, and decided i would keep it all. Which i did, she still has all the stuff i wore the day lil man was born. I figured how many kids can say they have the scrubs from the day they were born.
They took me to ICU where they were keeping the ex until things leveled out, when i got there her blood pressure was going crazy, at times it was down to 38, after about a hour things started to level out. and i could go back to worrying about lil man.
 We spent the week in the hospital, with little man in our room.
I never thought something so little and lifeless could capture your heart so much, but boy that lil guy did.

For the next 2 years, we decided to rough it, i would work nights and she would stay home as much as she could to be with lil man.  it was a rough time money wise, but worth it. She got to spend time and enjoy him all the time.  I would come home at 7am, take a nap, get up around 11am, sit and watch him and play with him, then take a nap around 5ish and get up at 10pm and do it all over again.
 This was my life for about 2 years. i was exhausted but enjoying the time i got to spend.  I watched him take his first steps, say his first words, and learn to discover things.  My chair became the floor. I would sit at his level so he could have easy acess, which he enjoyed this.

Then things went south.    she wanted to visit family in helena. which was no big deal, so off she went with lil man, while i worked and slept.  i figured everyone needs family time. she had no real commitments so why not, enjoy the time.   She came back after a week or so, which i though was a bit long, but in the grand scheme of things, ahh whats a week.    But she came back with a friends other half. Now theis couple was gay, 2 girls, which i have nothing aginst, i though they were good people,  but i didnt think anything of it.  they all came in, lil man came running, and i was paying attention to him. the ex went into the bedroom, and after a little while , wanted to talk,  needless to say i was a lil upset the way things were going and told her i was not in the mood to talk about things right now, maby later.  That didnt work out.  what i found out was going on is that she was in there packing her stuff up. She has decided she wants to be gay, and was moving and taking my lil man with her.  Once i figured out what was going on, i was kind of dumb struck. and before i knew it, she was out the door and gone.
I was supposed to be at work that night, but i just couldnt do it.. i just sat there, wondering what the heck just happened... it was a couple of days before i got moving again.

The pain she created is not something that will ever be forgiven.  I miss that lil guy every day, words dont describe it. I get to see him every now and then, but getting over to see him is difficult, and costly. its not like running across town, its a good 5  hr drive one way or more.

Now she is moving to Washington. the thought of him being in a different state for some reason bothers me.
I want so bad to be close to him.. would take him in a heart beat, but i know he needs his mom, he is growing up so fast. and i have missed out on so many things, things that  no mater what i do or happens, i can never get them back.     The fact that i HATE talking on a phone doesn't help, and combine that with the worry of me facing what i am, and the chance of getting close to him and him loosing me.. i dont want to hurt him.
  its a rough situation. I love the kids i have now, and would not trade them for anything,
But loosing a lil one, has to be the hardest thing anyone will experience. its a pain that never goes away.

ok, thats my rant for this morning,

Update...

in a following lettersounds like she is finally doing good, she has started a business and has plans to retire in the next few years.  I knew she always had it in her, but no mater what i did to try to help her rise higher, it never worked.  But i am glad to see that she is in control of things. 

Life as we know it...

There are many things going on right now around the world, and here at  home that worry me.

I have told friends for years now, to stock up on food and supplies, and get ready for things to go south.
Sadly i myself have not managed to do this.   Things just have not worked out, but due to my location,
i am not to worried. Food is abundant, as long as i can stock up on Ammo between now and then.

I know many are reading this thinking, what is this nut talkin about.  Well, sadly its looking like things are getting serious and we are getting close to the time when those stocked up supplies would be needed.

If you look at all the news that is coming in, things are looking like they may change and not for the better.

Lets start with QE3.   Bernakie's  We will print more money to cover what we need..  This whole idea is just a ticking time bomb waiting to implode.    Stop and think about what our great government is doing... and switch the roles as if it was you or i..    The U.S. Govt is printing 40Billion Dollars a month , EVERY month to cover our cost until things level out... (was on the news last week.)
Quantitative Easing was considered as a last resort attempt to move our economy into a better stance, While a last ditch effort, there was a remote chance it could of worked, so they tried it.   It didnt work....

So later on, they tryed it again... it had a few benefits.... but in the end.. no improvement, it just postponed things.

So Lets do it again, except this time, lets do it every month until things get better.


Have you ever taken a 'payday loan'?    Your bills went up and you are now $100 short for the month to cover your bills, So you go get a loan, this loan cost you $50 a week extra to maintain, So you pay the loan and because of the extra money you spent on the loan, you need $150 this month. So you get another loan to make it by for the month, and it cost you $50 for the loan.   Now the next month you are short $200 for the month in covering your bills.   The cycle keeps going until your entire check is going to the loan place.
What you earn is worth less each time because you end up having less of it each month.

This is basically what we are doing every month until we implode upon our self and end up owing more than we make.
Many countries have already dumped the dollar as a standard to base things against. More will follow.

Anyone know why this QE started?  Its simple, a couple of years ago, we owed china money, but we didnt have it. So instead we offered china collateral, I.E. Our mortgage notes.  Last year these notes came due, and we did not have the money to buy them back. So china said, fine we will just claim our land, we own the deeds.  our govt knew this would cause Huge problems, so they invented Quantitative Easing. (been around a while but u.s. has never tryed it on large scale before.)     Lets print the money, give to them and get our deeds back.  All worked fine, but the dollar was left weak, because everyone knows when you print money with nothing to back it, it makes all the money less valuable.   So we went along and managed to keep our heads above water until the recession/depression hit thanks to the banks screwing us over.  So we did it again,  Now the dollar was worth even less.   Now we are bordering Depression and economical collapse because of mis managed funds so lets just start printing money until we cant any more.

Combine this with America's Leaders need to stick their nose in everything and make people not like us, and things get real messy.   
Right now we are on the brink of WW3.  Not that any of us want it, but the conditions are there, not only can it happen, but it almost has to happen, sadly finacing a war is about the only way out of this situation.

But the problem for you and me is going to be from the time things start to fall apart until after a war levels out. 

QE3, Problems in the middle east, Unemployment, low earning reports for major companies..

Things are going to get nasty soon.   if i had to guess, it would be next summer.  They are not going to let things fall apart during the election or at least i dont see them, unless obama stays in power. (which he has the power to do, per the bills passed into law 3 years ago..)    So there is a little time left to prepare, get out of debt as much as possible, stock up on non perishable food and ways to protect yourself.

Ya i know, many read things like this all the time with no results, but if you actually sit down and look at all the news that is coming out now days, things do not look good...


anyway, thats my rant for this early am.  Would be nice if it was just  blowing wind, but sadly i think things will come to pass.      Take this for what you will.

Car repair....

Well our mechanic stoped by today to do some work on the Dodge, the gaskets on the valve covers were going, and leaking, so he put new gaskets on and plugs and wires.   Nice guy, and a very good mechanic.
we are keeping him in spare jobs, but its cheaper than a shop, and quality work.

Still have to get the explore fixed, bearings are going on the front left, after that i hope that is all that is wrong with it for a long time.  For a cheap $2000 car, it sure has cost us.   But you can buy a new car for several thousand, or buy a decent running used car and invest the money as you go.  There is no such thing any more as a 'cheap' reliable car.  to many people just dont get the idea of preventive maintenance.  They just drive it into the ground and then sell it.  Call me odd, but i'd rather know i can jump in the car and make a emergency run to some where if needed, without worrying, than hop in and hope you are going to make it.

I am still not sure about the cars making the trips to Seattle though, that is a Long drive, i am sure they probably would be fine (once the exploder is fixed)  but, still, i think our best bet when that time rolls around is to rent a car, aliveate any of the worries about breaking down and what to do with it hundreds of miles away from home, not to mention how to get around once back home.  But thats a ways off, we will have to decide on that when time gets closer.


I actually got a little sleep last night, it was in small chunks, but hey, i will take it,  we went to bed around 9pm and i passed out and didnt wake up until around 12am.  Got something to eat and played online a little, and then went back to bed for a few hours and slept, until it was time for delilah to get up, and was up with her for a while, then i think i went back to bed around 5am, and slept until 10am.  

Sleep is such a pain for me any more. So i take what i can get when i can get it and dont argue.

Well, have to run, need to go to town and pick up some meds before they put them back, been meaning to the past couple of days, but keep forgetting until it was to late in the day.    Hopefully they will have my pain med script ready tomorrow and i can go pick them up. If not i am not going to be a happy camper tomorrow evening.

Be back.

another night no sleep...

I never ralised how good a steady schedule was until i got sick.  Now days its hit and miss if i sleep, or if i sleep all day and night.  It takes some getting use to thats for sure.

Here it is 3am and im wide awake.  Rented a movie last night, didnt get to watch it, spent most of the evening laying in bed trying to stop hurting and not throw up, so since i cant sleep i am watching it now.
Its a oldie, but decent show.

Its getting cold at night allready, it was down to 28 last night. days are around 70.   Winter is coming, normally i am excited about winter, it means hunting season, playing in the snow.   This year.. i'm not so sure, being sick the cold really saps me at times.  We will have to see what this year brings. 

Lil miss was a real hugabug last night, on my lap most of the night. Love those days. Gota enjoy them while i can thats for sure, she is growing up fast.

So far between yesterday and today i have eaten 4 times, and yet to keep anything down for more than a few hours.  I just ate some noodles, we shall see if it stays or if i loose it as well.

well going to run for now.

PS. its not letting me do spell check,

Catching up

It has been a few days since i have posted.  Not because i dont like you reading, but as you could probably tell from my previous post, i have been under the weather the past few days.

Extra pain has been driving me nuts, one day i spent most the day laying in bed, hurting.  I have not been able to keep anything down the past 3 days, everything i have eaten has come back up.  Sleep is erratic, and short, the rest of the time i have been miserable.  But maybe today is a turn around, its 3am, i have been up for a few hours.  Got something to eat when i got up, and so far its staying down. YEA!!!!!


Ok so catch up time.. lets see what has happened.

well for starters , Lil Miss Jordi got a spanking... she has had attitude since school started, and the other evening, she pushed her luck to far.   She was being a turd and mouthing off, doing home work, or rather not doing home work as the case was....  she got attitude and pushed her pencil so hard on her paper that she tore it, and then was mouthing off to delilah, after a little while to let her blow off some steam, i stepped in and told her to straighten up, and do her work.. no results, she kept pushing and pushing, so after a while i told her,, thats it, i have had enough, it was time for a spanking, and went looking around the living room for a belt.  To which she decided to really push her luck and mouth of. I asked 'mom'  where her belt was, jordi pipes off "you can spank me , we dont have a belt anywhere in the house". 

*LOL* ohhhh what fun she is going to be as a teenager....    To this i froze in my tracks, knowing well there was NO way i could back down now or she would have the upper hand and think she was in control, which she has this problem with her mom.
So once i gained my composure and kept myself from cracking up laughing at her lil stubborn determination, i turned to her and said "your right... I dont need a belt to spank you"  and swatted her butt a few times.

Things have been great ever since. I guess she was just pushing and testing her limits for the year.   That is the second time i have ever had to spank her, and the way things played out, there is no way i could back down. Normally she is great, and fun to be around, but something has bothered her lately, now its my job to figure out why she was doing what she was.. which may take some time.   But we shall see.
Afterwards i had to run to the store to get some stuff for supper, when i got back, things were normal, she came in the kitchen and was sheepishly talking to me about school work, until i reached over and gave her a hug, then things were ok again.      She is going to be my challenge. But what a fun challenge she will become.

The smoke her has not gotten any better.  We went to Hamilton tonight to get a few things and i took a picture of the smoke on my way back home...  not a great site to see.  odds are this smoke is going to be around for a while.

I have made no progress at all on medical coverage, which is frustrating,  but its friday, so its prity much done for the weekend.  Mabye start working on things again monday, depending on how i am feeling.

I hope everyone is doing fine.  I am going to run for now. May update more later.

Anyone got a light?

Man, the smoke down here is insaine. If anyone has not seen face book, the fire is getting very close to hamilton, which is the next town south of us.  It has been many days since we have seen the sky. The sun is usually blocked by the smoke. 
 The last report i read was the fire was about 3 1/2 miles from Hamilton.

Not much worry about it making it here, athough it is possible. But its more a concern for the smoke, it is so thick its not even funny. I have been coughing up clumps of crud for about a month now.  Since i am here most of the time i get the full effects.  Good thing my asthma went away as i got older or i would be in real troube.  Although Delilah and Alec seem to be doing ok so far. But we dont do much when we are at home, watch movies and stay inside. Probably best, if we got out and did stuff would push their respiratory system to its limits.  So for now we are couch tatters, till the smoke clears.

I hope everyone is doing ok, i have been kind of down the past few days, just not feeling good at all. I am hoping part of it is in part to the smoke. 

Ok im outa for nowa.

Ug I am falling behind

Ok, so this is not turning out as simple as i expected in the beginning, i am already falling behind.

not feeling the best the past few days and not up to typing a lot. Hopefully i will get caught up soon and not fall behind again.

Not a lot new, ive been sleeping a lot lately, and wore out.

Maybe in a lil bit i will be up to typing. Right now its a challenge.

Its quiet at home.

Kids are at their dads, and i have the house to myself.   After i slept until noon i finally drug myself out of bed and took my morning meds, then sat around hurting till they kicked in.

Now i am kind of awake, its 2pm and delilah is on her way home, we have to run up and see about fixing the car today, the mechanic is going to meet us there.  Hopefully it will be home tonight.
At least we have 2 vehicles, would be in some serious problems with just one car.  Technically we should have 3, one for each of us and a spare in case of break downs.. which is what the truck was, but since its dead, and has been since a year or so ago, wow make that two years now. It wont do us much good.
But its Alec's Truck, i bought it so we could fix it up for his first car. It was his grandpas truck. kind of keeping it in the family.  i have to get a new motor put in it.

This is what i want to do to it for him, but we shall see if that happens or not. It would take a bit of work but would be something totally different to see on the road, 4wd mini truck.  We shall see if it ever happens or not.  All depends on how much energy i end up with, and if i get the tools i need.

So probably dinner out, after the car is fixed.  Hmmm maybe catfish and okra, yummmmm my favorite meal to get from missoula.

 We shall see.

ok, i am not fully awake and just typing to be typing so im going to run for now.. no real energy to think and put something worth reading on here.
Hope everyone is doing ok.  May update when we get back from getting the car fixed.

First day of school

They survived and had fun. Even though though there were a few hickups.  School lost Alec's shot records, so he missed a few classes while they were faxed, so he had a real easy day.

Kids were wound yesterday when they got home.  That will soon wear off *lol*.

Car is not fixed yet, but we think we have someone to look at it today.  It could be a host of things,
apparently dodge didnt make it simple like many mfgs..
Could be the solenoid, or neutral kill switch, or starter really switch, or ground wire on the starter, or
fusible link, or the starter.. just figures never simple..  makes me want a old classic more and more each day.. my plan, if i survive all of this.. i am going to find a early 80s chevy short bed, and fix it up.  I would love older, but then you start running into some money..

Another night no sleep.. just layed there tired, half exhausted but could not pass out, finally was hurting enough i got up for a while.  I have to get the kids up in a few hours to get them going for school.

I am going to try to go crash for a little bit.

oh FYI if you are wondering why i complain so much and seem to mention in every post if i am hurting or feeling good... well its basically a foot note type thing for me later on. Once i get past all this and if i am lucky enough to get a transplant, i can look back through all of this and see how often i was hurting compared to after tx.  (future reference tx means transplant).

So its not just so i can complain and make people feel bad for me.. lol.  its for my own future reference.

ok nap time.

I will post more later. :)  Thanks for stopping by.

The real numbers...

Just puttin the facts that are avail out.



Currently, there are nearly 17,000 people waiting for liver transplants in the United States, but only enough livers to perform about 6,300 transplants each year. Because of this organ shortage, more than 1,500 people die each year while waiting for a liver transplant.

Objective

To evaluate the long-term survival outcomes of a large cohort of liver transplant recipients and to identify static and changing factors that influenced these outcomes over time.

Summary Background Data

Liver transplantation has been accepted as a therapeutic option for patients with end-stage liver disease since 1983, with continual improvements in patient survival as a result of advances in immunosuppression and medical management, technical achievements, and improvements in procurement and preservation. Although many reports, including registry data, have delineated short-term factors that influence survival, few reports have examined factors that affect long-term survival after liver transplantation.

Methods

Four thousand consecutive patients who underwent liver transplantation between February 1981 and April 1998 were included in this analysis and were followed up to March 2000. The effect of donor and recipient age at the time of transplantation, recipient gender, diagnosis, and year of transplantation were compared. Rates of retransplantation, causes of retransplantation, and cause of death were also examined.

Results

The overall patient survival for the entire cohort was 59%; the actuarial 18-year survival was 48%. Patient survival was significantly better in children, in female recipients, and in patients who received transplants after 1990. The rates of retransplantation for acute or chronic rejection were significantly lower with tacrolimus-based immunosuppression. The risk of graft failure and death was relatively stable after the first year, with recurrence of disease, malignancies, and age-related complications being the major factors for loss.


Staying positive but also facing the facts.

although i think the 'results' numbers is higher, some where around 73% as of last year. If i remember during my search for information when all this started.


never mind i was going to do the math as to the actual odds but my brain is not working.. its late, i cant sleep and i'm hurtin again. 

did i mention i hate cars

Well, that did not go as planned.

Ran to the store, got supper, figured would meet the wife at home about the same time... nope that didnt pan out.
She text me saying the car wouldn't start.  So i drove to missoula to pick her up, looks like starter is  dead, so we get to find a mechanic to fix it.  I hate not being able to work on cars any more.

so we get to spend who knows how much getting it back on the road. But thats tomorrow,  for now it can sit at walmart.

we got home did supper and put a movie in and relaxed for the night, have to say the drive up to missoula to get deliiah and then come back home has taken its toll, i am hurting tonight.

kids are watching "mirror Mirror"  , i made it about 10 min into it and that was enough for me. defiantly not my kind of show.

On to a different subject, the though of HE (when the liver wont clean out and it overloads on toxins and they end up going to your brain causing mood swings, grumpyness and a lot of other serious and not so serious side effects.) Scares the crap out of me.  I have read many stories of others that have had battles with it before their transplant and it has long term effects, it kind of dulls the mind, makes it hard to learn new things, and other assorted issues.

Since i have been online, i spend most of my time surfing and reading about interesting topics, as some have seen some of the things i post for everyone to read. I scour news sources from around the world, stop by Nasa and other scientific sites, check out the sun every few days, read on new quantum physics ideas, and a host of  other things.  While since being sick and stuck at home i have done a LOT more of this, i enjoy it. I have yet to give up and stop learning, i have a curious brain, always have.  While most of what i read is way above my head, and some i just read to read. I enjoy what i do get out of it.   With the though of HE i am a bit scared. I could not imagine getting on line and only checking email and face book and playing games, i know for many  that is all they want to do, and that is ok, but for me that would be like a death sentence in ways.   There is so much information out there,and so many things to learn and discover. The thought of not being able to comprehend what i am reading, or retain it is frighting. A real worry for me. I am hoping that i some  how manage any serous effects from HE but very few are that lucky.

 As many have said , life is different after transplant you are not the same person as you once were in many ways.   That worry's me to.

Just venting.. thinking with my fingers.. but it is a real worry that i have. I could not imagine not learning and reading like i do now.

Speaking of reading, i have discovered i am cheap *lol*  was in the store getting supper and there was a new John Grisham book out, i was thinking to my self, ohhhh this should be good i have not read this one... i should get it, until i picked it up and looked at the back cover and they wanted $10 for it.   I love reading a good book, and have not had one in a while, but no way am i going to pay that much for a book i am going to read once or maby twice if i am desperate.  I will have to find a used book store and see if i can find a copy,  i hit one book store last year and picked up a a hard copy of a grisham book for $2.   Only hard back of his that i do have. But could not pass that up.

ok , time to get off here, gota get the kids rounded up and ready for school in the morning, make sure they have everything ready. So thats it for today, unless i wake up in the middle of the night in pain, then i may post more.

Its Monday

Yesterday was not bad at all, I felt good until the last few hours. Which is rare,  Today on the other hand its past noon and i just woke up, took my pain pills and am hoping they kick in soon.  

The kids are enjoying their last day off from school, summer vacation is coming to a end once again. They are not excited about it, but know they have no choice.

So today they are playing, Jordi is online and alec is watching some cartoons on PBS.  Bed early tonight for them. And the battle will start at 7am tomorrow.

I see by my stats that i am getting quite the following. over 50 people have checked my blog so far today, which is good. I am glad that typing all of this out and keeping it updated is worth it.  When i started this i honestly did not know if anyone would even bother reading it, let alone come back. So i guess it is my job now that i know people are reading it, to make it a bit interesting.  Which could be a challenge since i kind of have a boring life.

The clock is ticking for general hunt for hunting season to start. I am getting a little excited, and nervous at the same time.   I honestly dont know if i can get out there and hunt this year. But i am going to try, and i am hoping to fill my tags this year.  One big bull elk and one big buck.  Last year i got skunked, went out, but just never saw anything to take a shot at.  I blame the wolves in the area, putting to much pressure on the elk.  I know many are pro wolf, but i am not one of them.

My opinion is this.. They made a HUGE mistake re-introducing the wolves to Montana. For one , we already had them here, so why put more.  The other and main reason i am against them is many in Montana count on hunting season to fill their freezer, Montana as great as it is to live in , is a very poor state. Most get by paycheck to paycheck and that is it.  Good jobs are few and far between. So during hunting season when a family can get 300 pounds of extra meat, or more, it is very important to their survival throughout the year.
Since they have introduced the wolves i have known many families that use to count on the hunt to feed their kids end up getting nothing the whole hunting season.  

When i first moved here, the first year i was out with friends opening day, we saw elk by the thousands, literally.  When i shot my first elk, it was in a bunch of about 40.   I have seen herds of elk so big that when they crossed the interstate they stooped all traffic, not because there were a 'few' of them, but because there were thousands of them.

In the past few years, i have not seen any large groups of elk, last year the largest i saw was  before hunting season, and there were only about 30.     During hunting season, i went a lot of places last year, i bet all total i covered around 300 miles of area, driving the back roads of the mountains looking for tracks to go follow.  Sadly, i saw very few tracks from elk, and i did not see any elk at all. Not a single one, we did find a few groups of deer (mulie) but they were all doe's and all we could do was walk amongst them and watch.  There was one Buck last year, but a hunter beat us to it.

So in a nut shell, no i am not a fan of wolfs i understand that they are a part of the landscape but i think their numbers need brought down quite a bit.  It seems as though the ones in charge have put wolf's needs above families needs.  I would much rather see a family who is broke and trying to fill their freezer get a elk than a wolf.

And while we are on the subject of hunting.  I think the state needs a new system. They need "horn" tags and "meat" tags.  so the people that are out hunting just to have something to put on their wall can only shoot a bull elk with a specific size of horn or bigger.  while the ones hunting for food are allowed to shoot either sex elk. 

I have got many elk and deer over the years, and the largest horns i have is a 3 point.  as a friend use to say. "you cant eat the horns".   Sure this year is a little different, i am looking for a big rack, to have something to put on the wall, a nice 6point would be sweet.  But it is only because its possible this is my last hunting season, and if not my last, it is my last for many years.  By next year i dont expect to be able to get out there. So a nice set of horns would be nice.

I am hoping we can get the exploder fixed by hunting season so i can take it out, but i am not counting on it. Odds are i will have to bum a ride from people.  The front drivers side is having issues with the bearings, in the old days i could have fixed this, but instead we have to pay the shop $600  plus to fix it for us.
We have so much in that darn thing, i will be driving it for a LONG time.   Sadly we have to much invested to sell it, all the things that have gone wrong over the past couple of years. It is a good running vehicle, i cant complain, when  it dosent have something going wrong with it, i would not hesitate hopping in it and driving anywhere, (although not the greatest on gas).  But i bet we have some where around $7000 invested in it.  Quite a bit for a $2000 vehicle.   Thats not counting the tires i put on last fall. which were just under $800.  I could have got cheaper tires, but figured if we are stuck with it, might as well buy a set that is going to last a while.  I probably wont have to mess with the tires for the next 10 years with the ones i got for it.

Went to church again yesterday,  the kids are not thrilled but some good influence in their life is not a bad  thing.  They are not sure what they think about it yet.  I like the minister, his sermons are down to earth, last night was great, it was aimed at the kids, telling them to avoid trouble, dont go with the flow just because everyone else is.  It was a good message and i have to say the first time i have seen any church do something like that.  he covered a lot of the pressures and troubles that kids face today and encouraged them to be strong and avoid the bad parts of life.  Now weather they took anything home from it or not is a different story, but its not because he did not try to help them.

Well, thats about it for this morning.  I may update later.  My pain meds are starting to kick in, which is a good thing.  Gota start thinking about something for supper again.  told the kids yesterday they can eat grass for supper.. there is a lot out in the yard. *lol* it didnt go over well.

Ok gang, thanks for reading, share the link if you want.  Let me know if i'm to boring or if my typing is to bad and spelling is way off. :)

Today has been a good day so far. I actually woke up on my own at 10am, and was not in to much pain when i got up and got awake.  Although i still took my pain pills first thing because i dont want it to sneak up on me and be in pain later on.

So far its been a lazy day, playing with the kids checking stuff online, dreaming of being out on the road on a Harley. (a friend on FB was talking about theirs, i was very jealous.)  This is what i want.
Harley-Davidson® Softail® Cross Bones™ V Twin 1573 cc

 Has some sweet lines to it.  Not that the odds are ever in my favor that i will actually own one.. but one can dream. :).    My goal  before i die is to one one of these and get to put some miles on it.

Got my shower, felt good for a change normally standing for a while starts to hurt. But today was ok.  Now jordi is in the shower getting hers out of the way for the day. I think she was more bored than anything, so that means before long i will have a wet head snuggeling by my shoulder wrapped in a towel.  A lot of good it did me putting on dry clothes huh? *lol*.

Now to figure something out for supper...  the hard decisions.  same old same old, since i can only have limited stuff because of salt content, it gets boring as heck eating.  Maybe tonight, or tomorrow i will pick up some steaks and kick the bbq grill on and fix a real meal. Have not had steak in a long while, it dose not agree with me, but i enjoy the flavor anyway.

Tonight is church from 6pm-7pm, trying out a new church, cant hurt, could be good for the kids.

Well thats it for me for now. Hope everyone has a great sunday.