the ex is a long story. but i will try to short version it.
we were together for about 14 years, not married until the last few years. But we were committed to each other and lived as one. I got to know her family, and friends. Things were not great, but over all they were ok. Typical relationship. Good days, bad days, but never anything to bad. Although knowing what i do know and looking back, i was having issues with HE the whole time, but never knew it. Mood swings, grumpy at times. But over all, things were ok in general, We had lived in a few places, great falls, Drummond, and in the end Missoula.
Well about a month after she had moved (i was still living in drummond) She told me that she was pregnant. Needless to say, i did not take this well. I was one mad little puppy. Because i knew for a fact that i didnt do it. But after a couple of months i came to terms with it, and accepted it as fact, not much you can do to change it. And decided to get past it. The waste of life that she decided to have sex with was a worthless piece of crap, that knew, and did not do a thing to help her out. So i stepped up, and went to all the dr visits, meetings all the crud you have to do while having a lil one. We ended up moving in together in missoula and continue life as a family. Sure things were still rocky between us, but all things shall pass in time. Just some things take more time than others. And someone you think you are going to spend the rest of your life with having sex with someone else, ya, ammm that takes a while to get over. Never mind that now you have to deal with his butt the rest of your life because now there is a baby involved.
But i decided before lil man was born, we should get married, so he had a chance of a normal life. even if things were not normal yet, kids have enough problems in today's time. Coming from a broken family is not something that helps. So we got married. Nothing fancy, went to the court house. But it was legal.
Then came the day, i dont think there could have been a prouder dad in the world. it was time, i loaded everything up, (had things pre packed just in case) and off to the hospital we went.
she was in labor for the first day, with no luck. They even gave her meds to help induce labor, but it was not working. so they gave her stuff to help her sleep, and tryed it again the next day. The next day, we had the same problems, he just wasnt coming out. Our doc was a great doc. She is wonderful. So our doc waited as long as she could and decided that its time to do a c section. So we got gowned up, and ready to go in. they took her in first and got her set up, then took me in. it was not long and from behind the little curtian emerged little man.
then i had to leave the room so they could close the incision, and do what they needed to do. They took lil ma to the prenatal area, and checked him out. I took off all my scrubs and booties and stuff, and started to give them to a nurse, then i stoped, and decided i would keep it all. Which i did, she still has all the stuff i wore the day lil man was born. I figured how many kids can say they have the scrubs from the day they were born.
They took me to ICU where they were keeping the ex until things leveled out, when i got there her blood pressure was going crazy, at times it was down to 38, after about a hour things started to level out. and i could go back to worrying about lil man.
We spent the week in the hospital, with little man in our room.
I never thought something so little and lifeless could capture your heart so much, but boy that lil guy did.
For the next 2 years, we decided to rough it, i would work nights and she would stay home as much as she could to be with lil man. it was a rough time money wise, but worth it. She got to spend time and enjoy him all the time. I would come home at 7am, take a nap, get up around 11am, sit and watch him and play with him, then take a nap around 5ish and get up at 10pm and do it all over again.
This was my life for about 2 years. i was exhausted but enjoying the time i got to spend. I watched him take his first steps, say his first words, and learn to discover things. My chair became the floor. I would sit at his level so he could have easy acess, which he enjoyed this.
Then things went south. she wanted to visit family in helena. which was no big deal, so off she went with lil man, while i worked and slept. i figured everyone needs family time. she had no real commitments so why not, enjoy the time. She came back after a week or so, which i though was a bit long, but in the grand scheme of things, ahh whats a week. But she came back with a friends other half. Now theis couple was gay, 2 girls, which i have nothing aginst, i though they were good people, but i didnt think anything of it. they all came in, lil man came running, and i was paying attention to him. the ex went into the bedroom, and after a little while , wanted to talk, needless to say i was a lil upset the way things were going and told her i was not in the mood to talk about things right now, maby later. That didnt work out. what i found out was going on is that she was in there packing her stuff up. She has decided she wants to be gay, and was moving and taking my lil man with her. Once i figured out what was going on, i was kind of dumb struck. and before i knew it, she was out the door and gone.
I was supposed to be at work that night, but i just couldnt do it.. i just sat there, wondering what the heck just happened... it was a couple of days before i got moving again.
The pain she created is not something that will ever be forgiven. I miss that lil guy every day, words dont describe it. I get to see him every now and then, but getting over to see him is difficult, and costly. its not like running across town, its a good 5 hr drive one way or more.
Now she is moving to Washington. the thought of him being in a different state for some reason bothers me.
I want so bad to be close to him.. would take him in a heart beat, but i know he needs his mom, he is growing up so fast. and i have missed out on so many things, things that no mater what i do or happens, i can never get them back. The fact that i HATE talking on a phone doesn't help, and combine that with the worry of me facing what i am, and the chance of getting close to him and him loosing me.. i dont want to hurt him.
its a rough situation. I love the kids i have now, and would not trade them for anything,
But loosing a lil one, has to be the hardest thing anyone will experience. its a pain that never goes away.
ok, thats my rant for this morning,
Update...
in a following lettersounds like she is finally doing good, she has started a business and has plans to retire in the next few years. I knew she always had it in her, but no mater what i did to try to help her rise higher, it never worked. But i am glad to see that she is in control of things.
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