I finally got some sleep today, but had to wake up in the middle of it and get the kids from their dad's, it was all i could do to get my butt out of bed and drive over there. But i made it.
Got home, and layed back down and passed out. Felt guilty when i got back up, because it was already 5pm , wife was home from work and kids were munching on snacks, so i fixed some food for them, nothing fancy, sausage and eggs. They liked it.. was to spicy for me to eat, but what little i did try was good.
I hate not having the energy to do the little things i normally do. On most days i fix supper and make sure the kids get lunch on time, although working on them doing that on their own. Tonight, as simple as supper was, it was a challenge for me to do. I felt exhausted when it was cooked.
Tonight the pain has let up a little, lets hope this trend keeps up, and it gets easier each day until monday.
I sit here some times, alone thinking of what to type, hoping all my ramblings will mean something to someone one of these days, .. .. Have you ever had the problem of your eyes sweating for no apparent reason.. not sure what the deal is lately but i have had times where i get so emotional, which is defiantly not me, i'm not that type of person. I was raised by a Marine, we kick ass and take names and dont show emotions... well, thats not working out to well any more. I hide it, im the only one that is around. I dont want to let the others in my life think this stuff is really getting to me and upset them more. But there are times when it just takes me over. It is probably normal, although not for me. So im adjusting.
I wish i was better at expressing my self, so i could tell the ones around me how much they mean to me and how lucky i am to have them in my life. I had different plans for our futures when we got married, a much better life, all the fun things of life. I was going to finally make it in this world, i had the game plan, and things were coming into place, and then this comes up.
When we got married, just under a year ago, we knew the road ahead was going to be bumpy, but at that stage, we didnt know just how bumpy it really was. Knowing what i do know, i feel guilty, i feel like i have cheated her in some way, as well as the kids. I hope she had a better idea of what was ahead than i did. I could not blame her if she ever decided she wanted out of this mess. Its a lot to take on, its a lot to accept, she is one strong person.
I know with me hurting and being down lately that it has had a effect on me, im not happy go lucky, although most will tell you i never have been. *lol* i tell people i am a realist, i dont blow smoke into situations and i dont devalue them i look for the realistic outcome of any situation. I think in this situation i have found someone finally that takes the wedding vows as serious as i do, and that will be there no mater what. And if i am lucky enough to survive this, will be the future i want.
More on the next post
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